trying to fix myself

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babysea2003

#21

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Posts: 20

12/20/08 3:41 AM

no not at all. doctors have told me they didnt think i could have children. they said it was possible, but kinda unlikely. theres a few reasons behind that. ive always known that i wanted a baby, but now im kinda scared to be pregnant. what if i get that bad again? im scared because i keep thinking about it which brings another fear that im gonna drive myself crazy thinking about it. lol i just cant win.
but anyway, my boyfriend is coming back around. well.. at least he will. im supposed to see him later today. gonna try to slowly ease back up to an actual relationship. hes going to therapy to try to help his controlling ways. maybe it'll help.. tell you one thing though, i'll give him this chance to show he really cares, but if he starts going back to his old ways, im gone. i need someone who helps me, not bring me down.
but im working on 2 days and only like 3 hours of sleep lol and being so tired is causing some not so happy feelings

so i guess im about to go to bed. talk to you soon!

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JB lil bear

#22

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Posts: 8520

12/20/08 1:15 PM

A fighter in poetic words.
Mod of OA

I hope you can get some good rest.

There's always a chance to get pregnant it seems. If you were pregnant, my sympathy to you still. I can hardly imagine going through something like that. Being scared to get pregnant is natural. And you have a lot on your plate as it is right now. Just take a step at a time, a day at a time.

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LyssaStarchylde

#23

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Posts: 2532

12/30/08 10:11 AM

Evil Twin Two :)

Hey Crystal...hope you are doing ok...sorry I had to disappear...again...

...but well anyone that knows me for longer than half an hour will tell you how klutzy I am...and last Tuesday I was getting out of my Dad's truck...and it was icy that morning...I didn't see the ice...so I just got out the way I usually do...slide my legs over the side of the seat and hop kinda...

...my feet hit some ice and my backside hit the ground...I was ok cause it happened so fast I didn't have time to tense up or anything...but my elbow hit the running board on the way down...and it didn't break my elbow or the running board but it did bruise my elbow to where I was unable to be online and type comfortably...so my doc Winter made me take a week off...after both she and JL fussed at me

...gotta love em both I suppose

...

Now for catchup...or mustard whichever you prefer...sorry veryyyy old joke

...

JL is a pretty good guy...don't ask me how I got that lucky but I did...and it wasn't that I said it would be ok if he wanted out...it was that he thought I said it cause I though he wanted out...which I totally didn't think that at all...it's just we were talking about things and I said it...but we're good...if we can just find time to plan this dang wedding all would be brilliant!...

....we passed the 2 year planning idea a month or two ago for cryin out loud

...but we've never been known to take the easy route...so why start now?...

...

As for you...like Lil said...if you did have a miscarriage...I'm really sorry...JL and I went thru that a few years ago...and I will tell you it will do a number on you emotionally and physically...I take it you haven't said anything to boyfriend about this since you said you hoped your family didn't catch wind of it...either way I'd take Lil's advice to just take it one step at a time...and by the way...doctors don't know everything...or so my fave doctor told me once

...hell they told my mom she wouldn't be able to have kids...and here I and my brother are today

...

As for being scared...honey...any woman is gonna be scared when it comes to the idea of having kids...no matter what her issues may be...it's part of it...just relax...tell yourself "I don't have to deal with it today so I won't let it make me crazy today."...kinda my own personal philosophy...only I subsitute sane for crazy...cause I don't really trust sane people...maybe cause I've never met one?...I believe we're all a little goofy...just to varying degrees...

...

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JB lil bear

#24

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Posts: 8520

12/30/08 8:59 PM

A fighter in poetic words.
Mod of OA

I pep talk myself too.

I'm sure everyone's been busy with holidays and stuff. But hope ya get a chance to stop by again soon babysea.

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babysea2003

#25

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Posts: 20

01/01/09 9:07 PM

ok.. hi! lol. wow.. lotta catching up to do here.. i dont know why, what changed, but i've been sleeping at night lately. go figure. before i didnt go to sleep until like 6AM and now 10PM rolls around and its my bedtime haha. so i sleep at night and im up during the day, which is why i havent really been on lately. both my mom and my brother take turns on here during the day, my time used to be at night. we need to figure out a schedule now lol.
lyssa- are u ok?? lol thats just the first thing i can get out right now. im glad theres no ice here.. i fall enough as it is haha. and thank you about the possible miscarriage. i try not to think about it

yes my boyfriend knows, but i feel i let him down. he wants a baby so bad and the thought of possibly disappointing him is too much. but he constantly tells me it ok and he loves me and its not my fault. i hope he really feels that way. and you're right about doctors not knowing everything. my mom wasn't supposed to have me. im a miracle baby

and my cousin wasnt supposed to have babies but she has two. miracles.
and hey lil! how are you? did everyone have a good holiday? i hope so

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JB lil bear

#26

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Posts: 8520

01/02/09 8:01 PM

A fighter in poetic words.
Mod of OA

I'm glad to hear you're sleeping at night.

I haven't been so much lol. Guess we swaped? lol. I'm doing alright though despite lack of sleep.

Good to you see ya! Haven't seen you since last year.

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LyssaStarchylde

#27

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Posts: 2532

01/03/09 7:05 PM

Evil Twin Two :)

Yep I'm fine...elbow was a little achy today but that's from the weather today more than anything else...it's that lovely cold damp rainy stuff...ohhhh joyyy

...the reason Winter (my reg doc and one of my best friends) and JL got mad was cause I have Scoliosis...curvature of the spine...so I have a few back issues cause of it...so they felt I should be more careful in future

...which I agreed...after the fussing that is

...other than that and being tired from the holidays I'm doing pretty good

...

Glad you are sleeping better...that's something I got to work on...not cause of the bipolar thing...but cause I've been a niteowl most of my life...but I don't see that changing any time soon

...right now the only computer we have here at my Dad and my place is my laptop...he wants to get a reg desktop but hasn't figured out what he wants yet...so I don't have to share the online...except with JL when he isn't exhausted from work or other stuff...oh he will be on here soon...I just wanted to check in first

...you'll like him he's like me...only slightly less goofy...but I'm working to up that every day

...

Holidays were cool...did a lot of running around...JL and I have a lot of friends we visit this time of year...then you add his folks and what family I still have dealings with...so we had a quiet New Years...well if you consider video games with my (not really related but they are my family any ways) brother Bear and his wife (My best friend) Chey and their kids and JL...and yeah Lil JL did cheat again!!!!...

...

Now...and here's where I'm gonna go a little older sister but let me do it ok?...*slight grin*...as far as you "letting" your boyfriend down if you did have a miscarriage...Honey you haven't let anyone down...ok...take it from someone who has been there a couple times (once with the guy I was with before JL and then with JL)...I know it feels like it...but if it did happen...it wasn't anything you did or didn't do...it's one of those things that it's rare if they know why exactly...and I don't know your boyfriend but I'm sure he does NOT blame you...and tell him NOT to blame himself...I'm sure he might have had that thought a few times...even if he didn't say it to you...ok?...like you said you have family that wasn't supposed to be able to have kids and they did...and you have plenty of time for all of that...ok?...end of older sister type posting

...*hugs gently*...

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JL CrazyWolf

#28

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Posts: 322

01/03/09 7:25 PM

LORD of the Dance! Aneracam!

*Sneaks up behind Lyssa and Lil and dumps some ribbons and glitter left over from the holidays on both of em* Hey Lil long time no talk to

Hey Crystal

Lyssa told me we had a new friend running round here. I'm JL, Lyssa's fiance and I'm really glad to meet ya

Sorry I've not been on before to say hi but as Lyssa probably has said I've been really busy with work and stuff. I don't have online at my house and usually when I'm here with Lyssa I'm too exhausted to even hit one key on the keyboard

but she keeps me updated with everthing and everybody.

I read what Lyss just posted and all I can say is I agree with her 100 percent. Especially where your boyfriend is concerned. The thing you will learn about Lyss if you haven't figured it out by now is she cares about her friends like they were her family which is one of the things I love most about her. She may not care what happens to her, something I'm trying to get her to work on more, but she does care about her friends no matter what.

Oh and she LOOOOOOOOVESSS sillystring so be verry careful. Ya never know when it might happen.

Sorta like NOW *Sillystrings Lyssa and runs away laughing my head off*

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JB lil bear

#29

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Posts: 8520

01/03/09 10:10 PM

A fighter in poetic words.
Mod of OA

These things do happen, sadly. But the truth is, (I can be a blunt person) Focus should be on your health rather than having a baby. Take your time to heal from it and try to keep taking care of yourself.

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babysea2003

#30

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Posts: 20

01/05/09 8:22 PM

hey lil. how are you? i hope better than me.. i have a cold

but i've been sick for half my life so i'm pretty sure i'll be ok lol. and yea we must have swaped cuz my sleeping at night came out of nowhere. just one night at around 8 i got tired, went to sleep and i've been doing that ever since lol. but im not complaining

lyssa, i know what you mean about the weather messing with your body. my mom broke her back 20 years ago and everytime the weather gets cold, her back hurts. its amazing how the weather can do that. i had a good holiday too

spent christmas and new years with my boyfriend and my future in-laws

me and my boyfriend are still tryin to get back to normal. hes hanging in there with me, although i fear everyday that he's gonna let go. i know he doesn't deserve this.. i'm sorry i cant think about that. makes me sad

and lyssa, just for the record, you can get all 'big sister' on me at any time lol. i actually appreciate it

and mr. JL lol i've heard a lot about you

finally i get to say hi to the love of lyssas life lol so hi! glad to meet you too

i cant say much about her needing to care more for herself at times because i'm the same way.. well.. with what few friends i have anyway lol. oh and by the way.. i want some silly string!! haha

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babysea2003 hubby

#31

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Posts: 1

01/05/09 8:54 PM

hey everybody my name is cody im crystals hubby....i been reading up on yalls message board and thought this might help her some she been thru alot and plus what i put her thru i know it was wrong of me i should of been more support for her and now came to realize it but she tells me everyday she dont deserve me but to me its the other way around..but i just came to realize if i do really love her i dont need to put her thru this stuff that i doing to her she loves me more then any girl has ever and that means alot to me...she been getting better with the attack and im proud of her and i hope she stays that way before all this she was having like 5 or 6 attacks a day i did really think it was b/c of me but she says it might be for somewhere else but i dont think so b/c we would fight everyday over stupid shit that i thought was wrong but it real wasnt i been hurt so many times by girl and some reason i did think she was going to be the same but i now she she is the one who wont do that to me and i love her very much for waitting on me to realize that....but i love you baby and im sorry for eveything i hope we can move on with our future together

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babysea2003

#32

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Posts: 20

01/05/09 9:20 PM

baby.. i dont know what to say to that.. wow. baby, everybody has their faults, nobody is perfect, and regardless of why i was so bad off, you stuck by me. you picked me up whenever i needed it and you did it time and time again without hesitation. you have this way of making me laugh when i dont even want to smile and its one of the things i love about you. im glad you finally see that i'm not going to hurt you. i cry over just thinking that you might someday leave so its crazy to me that you would ever think i'd hurt you. you are my rock baby and i love you so much. thank you for coming into my life. and to everybody else- do you see why i love this guy?? lol he's so sweet. thats my baby

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JB lil bear

#33

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Posts: 8520

01/05/09 11:15 PM

A fighter in poetic words.
Mod of OA

Cody. Nice to meet you.

Some very sweet things said there. My husband and I have been through so much crap and not just health, but from family and people we should be able to trust. It's about the people and knowing the truth about each other and overlooking those tedious little non-important things. I hope the best.

I'm doing okay babysea. I went to work today and discovered I have a new boss. It'll be okay I'm sure, but it's still sinking in. I finally liked my old boss, after all, he got me that job without a real interview. He pulled strings for us and now suddenly, he's just.... gone. It's kinda sad. He just got transferred to another store is all, but still, it's weird. So like I said, it's still sinking in.

Hope you have another great night of sleep. I'll talk to you later.

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DaisyCares

#34

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Posts: 14122

01/06/09 3:03 AM

Flower of Healing and founder of Open Arms.

Hi again, Crystal, sorry I have not been around but I have been sick, and also busy, busy, busy. We still have no internet at the house so I have to get online at my parents house when I can catch some free time.

Hi Cody, and

I am Daisy, the founder of this community. Glad to see you come by and let us get to know you, and for your support for your love, Crystal.

Open Arms are never empty...only waiting.

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LyssaStarchylde

#35

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Posts: 2532

01/06/09 7:30 AM

Evil Twin Two :)

You want sillystring????...ok!....*sillystrings Crystal*...

...it's kinda a signature thing with me...or as Daisy might say an addiction but I choose to see it differently

...

Hi Cody...nice to meet ya...and I know what you mean...JL and I kinda went thru a similar thing when we first started out...he had issues cause of his ex-wife...who was a real beeyatch!...and I'm being nice here

...and it kinda made him a little spooked about women in general...and I worried alll the time that I'd do something that would make him see me like he sees her...but he was quick to let me know that there was no way in hell that would ever happen...cause he knows I'm not like the way she was...I still think about it every great now and again but I'm a chick we worry bout stuff

...I haven't known Crystal long but she seems like a very sweet young woman...you are very lucky my friend

...

*smiles at JL's comment about me caring more for my friends than I do myself*...I'm trying to be better about that...it's just that I'm the type of person that it doesn't bother me when stuff is said or done to me...but you mess with the people I care about and the SheWolf comes out...Chey and Bear warned you how I was when I took you to meet em Darlin

...

Crystal if you had any idea how much me and JL have gone thru it would make your head spin...most of it has been stuff I've been having to deal with...I mean I've been with this man for 4 almost 5 years...dang has it been that long already?...

...yeah cause Mom's been gone for 5 years...and we started seeing each other seriously one month before the 1st anniversary of her death...so yeah it will be 5 years this year...dang

...anyways...I don't think we've had any time that I haven't had something going on...not too long after I met him my Dad had some health issues that were serious and JL stepped right up and did everything he could to help me out...even though he didn't know me hardly at all...and he's been there ever since...even though we haven't had much times that were quiet...

...but like a pal of mine said "Lyssa you don't do easy."...guess it's not in my nature to just have a simple life...I gotta do the complicated thing!...

...

There have been plenty of times I've thought to myself "Ok...this will the thing that will make him say "enough is enough I can't deal with this woman no more!"...and I've always been wrong...thankfully

...he's been there thru my Dad's illness...the miscarriage...my Dad deciding JL wasn't right for me and all that crap after that happened...my issues with my back...me and Dad getting evicted...and living with family till that didn't work no more and we moved into a motel for a year and a half...my being diagnosed with bipolar...like I said I seem to love complicated for some reason I've never figured out...

I guess what I'm trying to say to you and Cody...is if JL and I can stick together through all the crap I've put him through...there is definitely hope for you two

...be there for each other for the big stuff...and cut each other a little slack on the little stuff...works for us...most of the time anyhow

..

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JL CrazyWolf

#36

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Posts: 322

01/07/09 9:51 PM

LORD of the Dance! Aneracam!

Hey Cody good to meet ya man. Always glad to see a new dude around here. Not that I don't love Lyss and Lil and Daisy and the other ladies *ducks possible sillystring attack from all corners* Just sayin is all

I always feel bad when Lyss and I fight cause I don't want it affecting her with her bipolar and that. *looks at Lil and Daisy* Yeah we fight we just don't bring it here when we do. Sometimes even Bear and Chey don't know it either

She's pretty good about letting me know I'm not to blame if she does have a episode. She's getting to learn her triggers so she can usually figure out what caused it if she does have one. So far I've never been the issue so I'm gonna take that as a good sign. I guess the best thing I can tell ya is just be there for Crystal as much as you can and don't beat yourself up if you mess up. You are gonna you know. It comes with being a guy *ducks a sock thrown at me by Lyss*. Well it does! You aren't always gonna know the right thing to say or do for her no matter how much you want to fix things for her. When that happens don't get pissed at yourself just let her tell you what she wants or needs. Sometimes all they want is for us to just be there. Easier said than done I know but that's the way it is.

*reads Crystal's comment about hearing all about me* Oh I'm sure there's still a lot Lyss could say on the subject of me Crystal

We both hear from our friends all the time about how much we both talk about each other

I figure as long as it's good stuff I'm doing ok.

Oh and Lyss you don't have to worry about me thinking you are like my ex-wife. You ain't anywhere close to that *stops remembering the language thing around here* woman. You have a heart and soul. Her on the other hand well I'm not sure she didn't come from another planet or someting. Sure ain't human I know that much.

Sorry back to more pleasant thoughts.

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JB lil bear

#37

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Posts: 8520

01/08/09 9:44 AM

A fighter in poetic words.
Mod of OA

Just a reminder, the girls still out number the guys.

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babysea2003

#38

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Posts: 20

01/08/09 11:12 PM

hey lil

that sucks about your boss. im sure it'll all work out though, just have to adjust. maybe you'll like your new boss more than your old one, maybe you'll like him/her faster. you never know until you give people a chance. i wish you the best though. hopefully your new boss wont be a pain in the butt lol.

hey daisy, its ok that you havent been around. i hope you're better though. i was sick too, now i passed it out to all my dear family haha. ive been in great hands here. everybody is so helpful and understanding. i just wish i could meet everybody in person and give big hugs

lyssa, first of all thank you for the sweet comment

but im still gonna sillystring you back!! haha. i went to the doctor yesterday, the one who determines if i get disability or not. i was scared. he wouldnt let my mom or grandmother go back there with me. just me. not a good place for a schitzo lol. he asked me a million questions. and made me do a lot of math. not sure what that was about but hey that part was fun lol. then i had to go with my mom to her doctor (her blood pressure has been up) and i told him that i have this fear of going crazy, he told me that i need to read or something, expand my mind, so i've been working in my puzzle books

jl im right there with you and lyssa, i talk about cody all the time lol but what can i say? hes my favorite subject

and btw.. that sock thing was hilarious lol

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LyssaStarchylde

#39

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Posts: 2532

01/09/09 12:16 AM

Evil Twin Two :)

I reminded him of that very thing Lil

...

You are welcome Crystal...and bring it on!!!!...I love a good sillystring fight!...

...glad you are feeling better...and hope the family all gets better soon...and I'm glad we've been able to help ya *Huge Hugs*...

...

Why wouldn't your doc let your mom or grandmom back with ya?...that seems a little strange to me...glad you liked the math...I sorta...what's the word...oh yeah...SUCK at math...always have always will

...so that wouldn't have gone well for me...

My Dad has high blood pressure..my Mom had low blood pressure...me I'm in the middle somewhere

...but I hope your mom is doing ok...hmm...interesting idea of her doc's...I love to read but not sure how effective it's been on my craziness

...see I don't believe in normal or sane...I think they are both too subjective to really work...plus I think everyone is a lil nuts...it just varies by person...and I don't mean "Pull a butcher knife out" crazy either...I'm just your harmless goofy type crazy...

...

Yeah I am guilty of talking about JL a lot...he's one of the best things to ever happen to me...and plus he makes a great target for socks!...

...we always play tricks and pranks on each other...just a couple of overgrown kids...at least he's the over grown one...since he's 6 foot 3 and I'm only 5 foot tall myself

...

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babysea2003

#40

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Posts: 20

01/09/09 5:29 PM

oh my gosh tell me about the height thing lol cuz im like 5 foot 2 and codys 6 foot (to me more like 9 or 10 haha) and i have to stand on my tip toes to kiss him lol but its one of those 'i'd break my neck in order to kiss him' kinda things. i think that doctor didnt want my mom or grandmother back there because im 21 and not a minor. i like math but it was kinda confusing lol he said 'im gonna call out some numbers and i want you to repeat them back to me' and i did ok until he called out like 10 at a time lol then he would call out some numbers and i had to repeat them backwards. i told my mom i should of just stood up, turned around and said them.. that woulda been backwards lol but then i probably would have been thrown in the loony bin. my mom has had high blood pressure for 30 something years, all because of a birth control pill that shot it up and its been messed up ever since. that reason right there has made me scared to take birth control pills. having these problems has made me scared to do a lot. i always think 'what if..' but im getting better at it

*makes a smiley face on a sock using stillystring* i took my prozac today

Yuku free message boards

trying to fix myself

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